Note from Irisha:

Many of the Leafers have started the preparatory study for the second online Jukai and put their sewing skills to test. Once again I did not think I was ready for taking Jukai this year for a number of reasons but asked Fugen (Torbjörn), one of the last year’s Jukai takers and a committed Leafer, to share about the ceremony itself and what Jukai meant to him. In this post he shares his Jukai experience.

What about you? Have you taken Jukai or whatever equivalent can be found in your tradition?  Did it influence your life? If so, how? What is your take on the formal commitment to the practice?

Fugen on Jukai experience

What is the meaning of “Jukai”?

According to the Buddhist Dictionary, Jukai literally means “to receive” or “to undertake the Precepts”.  It is the ceremony both of one’s formally committing to the Buddhist Sangha and to the practice of Zen Buddhism, and of one’s undertaking the Sixteen Mahayana Bodhisattva Precepts as guidelines for life.

Traditionally for Jukai, one receives from a teacher a rakusu, which represents the robe of the Buddha, a kechimyaku,  written lineage chart connecting the recipient to the Buddhas and Ancestors, and a Dharma name selected by the teacher and representing qualities of the recipient’s personality and practice. The Soto Sect’s Shumucho (Religious Affairs Office in Japan) wrote:

Though people approach it with different motivations, all participants must realize that in Jukai-e they inherit the life and quintessence of Buddhism as passed down correctly by generation after generation of Ancestors since the days of ancient India.

When do you take Jukai?

Nishijima Roshi wrote that one should take Jukai at the start of their study of Buddhism:

When a Buddhist seeks to commence upon the study of Buddhism, there is first a ceremony which should be undertaken: It is called ‘Jukai,’ the “Receipt of the Precepts”, the ceremony in which one receives and undertakes the Precepts as a disciple of the Buddha. … Master Dogen specifically left us a chapter entitled ‘Jukai,’ in which it is strongly emphasized that, when the Buddhist believer first sets out to commence Buddhist practice ….. be it monk, be it lay person, no matter ….. the initial needed steps include the holding of the ceremony of Jukai and the undertaking of the Precepts.

I took my first Jukai after being a Buddhist for more than 15 years. For me it was not a really big thing, it just happened to be an option so I took it. But ultimately I believe you can take it anytime and any number of times for that matter.

So how does it work? What do you do?

The Jukai ceremony itself wasn’t so impressive. It was just me, my wife and a computer as we we’re doing the ceremony online. We did some ceremonies , some bowing, some chanting and some zazen. It was more or less like anything you do in life – ordinary.

The thing about Jukai is not the ceremony itself, that’s just the “end of the beginning of the journey”. In my lineage we we’re supposed to sew our own rakusu and study the texts about the meaning of the Precepts. It’s not just to step up and take a ticket, it’s hard work. Sewing the rakusu is a tremendously arduous endeavour, but also a very good practice: the rakasu is made up of a lot of little pieces of cloth which have to be handsewn together in preordered fashion.

The precept study on the other hand was made up as a book club, taking you through the Precepts one at a time, with lots of great discussions on the way. This is a helpful way to approach the Precepts. By not confronting them all at once. Slowly and steadily considering them, putting them up against each other so to speak, you realize they are not that different either in manner or goal.

Precepts are at the core of  Jukai. In the chapter on Jukai in his work Shobogenzo Master Dogen pointed out that precepts  were central to our practice:

Unless we accept the Precepts, we are not yet a disciple of the Buddhas, nor are we an offspring of our Ancestral Masters, because they have considered one’s departing from error and resisting wrong to be synonymous with practicing meditation and inquiring of the Way. The words, “They have made the Precepts foremost” are already what the Treasure House of the Eye of the True Teaching is.

What does Jukai stand for?

The representation of Jukaj and the Precepts are about us trying, as much as we can, live in a manner unharmful, healthy and helpful to ourselves and others, knowing that ultimately there is no separation between us and others.  It is  also equally important to understand that the precepts are not commandments in the Judeo-Christian sense, they are more like guidelines for us along the way. You won’t go to hell if you break them, but you might encounter some hardships.

Secondly, the Jukai ceremony is a commitment to live by the Precepts, “do the Dharma” and be “Buddhists” in a sense. It represents a vow to seek to remain within the Precepts although our human nature might push us sideways. The ceremony does not make you into a Buddhist, you already are. You might say that it celebrates the fact.

Thirdly, the Jukai ceremony stands for a commitment to continue the practice, to the sangha and to the teacher, knowing that ultimately there is no separation.

Fourthly, it is a statement to yourself and others that you are trying to “draw your straw to the anthill”, “do your part”, and try to do “good things”.

As I see it the Jukai puts an emphasis on a number of things, the precepts, a sort of confession/commitment, a statement.

I learned more from the journey towards Jukai than I have leaned during the rest of my “life as a Buddhist”. The question is if it will change anything.

Now, I may anger some people by saying that taking Jukai isn’t such a big thing. It was not for me. It doesn’t involve earthchanging moments, no strikes of lighting to the head or anything dramatic like that. It just confirms what you already know and do. For me it’s not a big thing, but for some it might. Ultimately, the real significance of Jukai will be that which every recipient finds for him/herself.

The 100-day Ango with virtual TreeLeaf sangha started yesterday. I set up a separate page here on Appropriate Response
with the idea of establishing some structure for jotting down my Ango experiences on a regular basis, as well as sharing it with other fellow-practitioners so we can (re)connect and support each other in our focused efforts to bring life into practice.  I believe loooking at those ups, downs and middlles in retrospect can also provide some insights. I will start the way it goes and will try to stay open as to the forms it can take.

On a personal and more progmatic level I would like to use this opportunity to bring the light of awareness into the areas of my life where I can sense being disconnected with the true self such as personal finances (mindfulness and money) and my relationship to food and eating (mindful and sustainable eating). I very much welcome Jundo’s decision to choose Dogen’s Tenzokyokin – “Instructions for the Zen Cook” – as a source to inspire us bring those perspectives into our family and work duties. How can we fully live out the buddhadharma where we are:  in the kitchen, in the office, with our loved ones, with the strangers we meet every day or even when we are by ourselves?

If you are one of those who commited to follow through these 100-day period, I’d love to hear from you. (By the way, as Jundo pointed out in his first talk on the blog, it is never too late to join in. Besides, Widlfox Zen with Dosho start two weeks from now). What exeriences would you like to share? What is the hardest thing for you?

Have you ever watched a kid playing?  There is something special about the way they can pick up a stick, shout “STICK!!” and run into the world causing havoc. There is nothing more in this moment than the kid, the stick and the world. I would like to call this special something ‘mindfulness’ or ‘presence’ if you will.

Master Dogen wrote on Time (in Being-Time, Uji):

See each thing in this entire world as a moment of time.
Things do not hinder one another, just as moments do not hinder one another. …
Each moment is all being, is the entire world.
Reflect now whether any being or any world is left out of the present moment.

Master Dogen wished to convey that each moment of time and being is not anything apart from you.  It is your existential time-and-being.  So, he wrote in Uji:

Because real existence is only this exact moment, all moments of Being-Time are the whole of Time, and all existent things and all existent phenomena are moments of Time …
If Time does not take the form of leaving and coming, [a task done in the past] is the present as Being-Time.

If Time does take the form of leaving and coming, you yet have this present moment of Being-Time, which is just Being-Time itself.

Mindfulness is a new catchphrase, a phenomenon not much older than 10 years or so, you might think. But this is not the case. There has been something like it in every culture, be it  modern western culture, Hawaiian native culture or, in this case, Buddhist culture.

There are several words in Pali and Sanskrit which are often translated into the English word mindfulness. However, these terms mean different things which is why confusion may often arise in discussions of mindfulness.

The Sanskrit word that is most often translated into mindfulness is Sati/Smriti, which means to remember (non-forgetfulness).  It simply means that if we decide for ourselves to attach the mind to our present experience, we will remember to hold it there, instead of letting it slip away.

Another word which also is commonly translated into mindfulness is Manisikara, which is the moment of pure perception just before the mind starts to separate, judge and value.  In the western interpretation of mindfulness (within psychology) a large amount of emphasis is put on this particular aspect. The Sanskrit term Appamada/Apramada means being thorough and calculated in your actions and not to act unskillfully or rashly.  This is also an aspect of mindfulness. A final term also taken to mean mindfulness is Sampajanna/Samprajana which means to see clearly, to separate (skillful from unskillful action).

The ability to stay with your experience, to see it clearly, to separate skillful and unskillful actions, and to act in a favourable way are all aspects of mindfulness. Maybe the most important of all the Buddhist scriptures concerning mindfulness is the Satipatthanasutta.  Satipatthana is the practice of sati, the maintaining a constant attention on the here and now and is a part of the eightfold path.  Patthana can be translatated as placement or attaching point.  Satipatthana can therefore be translated as to put the attention or the attaching point of attention.

You may well be asking yourself why am I writing this?  Well, for one, you have to have an solid foundation to stand on, and it is always good to have some knowledge of the definition of terms.

Mindfulness isn’t just this moment, it is all-permeating, it is everything, just as Dogen says.  You can’t just try doing it either.  I often quote another spiritual master, Yoda : “Do or do not… there is no try.”  This is a vital part of mindfulness practice to understand; if you are only trying you are not doing.

This brings us back to the child with the stick. He is not trying anything. He knows exactly what he is doing. He’s got a stick, and it’s him against the world.

A further point I would like to make about mindfulness and being mindful is that the way things are is just the way things are. You know what, it’s ok. It’s all OK!!  Shit happens, deal with it.  It is all about being at the razor’s edge, not falling to one side or the other, not being cut, not missing the point.

If this happens, do this.  If that happens, do that.  When life’s roller coaster goes up, go up. When heading down, head down.  Just ride the ride.  Sometimes it can be very hard.  Then let it be hard.  Your sympathy for me might feel great, but will it help?

I have to take me, and pick myself up, to get on with it, even when there is no me to pick myself up.  I am not saying it will be easy, just saying it is so.  And it’s ok! It’s all OK!!

Maybe that is enlightenment, to see that everything is ok!  It is just what it is.

Is that ok with you?

Torbjörn Andersson

Since I started doing sitting meditation one of my legs (or both) would inevitably fall asleep and for the most part the sitting would evolve around staying with those sensations in the body. I know it is not harmful for my health and would probably pass with time so I just accepted it as something I could sit with and even learnt to appreciate as those sensations in the body helped me stay connected to it and the breath.  With time those sensations built a background for my sitting, something I sort of knew would be there and I guess I started identify the sittings  with.

Doing some yoga practice right before the sitting has proved to be very successful in helping me get grounded in the body and those sensations in the legs suddenly disappeared altogether. Now the body feels alert yet relaxed and pleasantly warmed up. However, I soon discovered that when the body is more comfortable the mind is more likely to wonder away and engage in daydreaming and I have to apply more effort to sustain concentration.

I find myself wishing one condition away in preference of the other only to find out that the latter is not at all as I imagined it to be.

Friend, please tell me what I can do about this world
I hold to, and keep spinning out!

I gave up sewn clothes, and wore a robe,
but I noticed one day the cloth was well woven.

So I bought some burlup, but I still
throw it elegantly over my left shoulder.

I pulled back my sexual longings,
and now I discovere that I’m angry a lot.

I gave up rage, and now I notice
that I am greedy all day.

I worked har at dissolving the greed,
and now I am proud of myself.

When the mind wants to break its link with the world
it still holds on to one thing.

Kabir says: Listen my friend,
there are very few that find the path!

From Ecstatic poems by Kabir, versions by Robert Bly

I rather like this version for the metta meditation.

May we all be…

In episode 118  Buddhist Geeks interviewed Daniel Ingram on his book Mastering the Core Teachings of the Buddha that Daniel revised and made available online in PDF-format (Thanks, Daniel!)

Why all this excitement about yet another book on Dharma? Books we have plenty of but manuals packed with straightforward techniques – not so many.  Daniel describes it as   “… one of the more practical and technically detailed manuals for high-level insight and concentration practice available, and its maps of spiritual terrain and advice for navigating in unusual territory are world-class. “

I spent the rest of the evening in the arm chair hugging my overworked laptop, slowly going through the first pages of the book.  How do I move forward with sitting? What are the ways to enhance concentration? For the first time I was holding exact instructions as to how I could proceed and no longer worried that wanting to actually move forward with the help of the meditation techniques defined me as a doer and an achiever.

I started with Forward and Warning and then swiftly moved to the section on The Tree Characteristics where Daniel outlines how we can better understand the Three Characteristics (impermanence, suffering and no-self) while sitting.  I soon stumbled over a number of exercises that might be helpful in both increasing the concentration and better understanding impermanence. They keep the mind busy observing the sensations at a fast rate and therefore do not allow it to get lost in thoughts.

Needless to say I feel more motivated to sit now and whenever I can I do those exercises off the cushion, dismantling sensations and mental formations that arise. Nobody can do the work for me (the author is very clear about that) but at least I know what to do. 

Although not a mega meditator, with time I noticed some effects of meditation and got curious in what exactly happens in the brain when I sit on the cushion and watch my mind jumping around,  patiently learning to bring attention to the intention and stay with life itself instead of the virtual reality my mind entertains me with.  How do these changes in the brain influence how I relate to everything and everyone around, including myself?

I  am now more aware of what is going on inside my body and my head which means that a lot of junk that earlier went unnoticed gets caught in the net of awareness.  When catching a little thought that gets lots of attention  and suddenly swells up to the size of a huge mountain,  in this more awakened state of mind I can trace how it leads to a lower state and starts stinking. I find this little self-observation more valuable than all the years I spent in college as it opens the door to liberation from the years of  being a slave to the small, hungry and jealous mind.  There is little joy in noticing how easily the mental trash can start nesting inside the head but on the other side this is my chance to clean up the house and ensure I do not start unloading it on others.

Here come a few podcasts that answer some of the “hows” about the ways meditation rewires our brain and subsequently influences who we are.

Meditation and creativity

David Lynch has been diving into TM (Transcendental Meditation) for over 30 years and intends to bring meditation to those who are willing to give it it a try. The video includes a live demonstration of meditator’s brain waves.

Meditation and the brain

Doctor Campbell (a k a Docartemis)  interviewes Daniel Siegel on meditation and the brain on The Brain Science Podcast. Interestingly, Dr. Siegel wrote a book on mindful parenting not knowing anything about the mindfulness meditation (Vipassana).  On the base of scientific evidence and the first-person experience he gives an overview of how the mindfulness meditation changes the brain both in short-term and in long-term leading to structural changes, when the states we develop during meditaion become traits.

According to Dr. Siegel the following prefrontal functions  can be developed through meditation and become automated traits:

• regulating your body (improved blood pressure and immune system and its functioning);
• attuning to yourself and others in a deeper kind of way (compassion)
• the ability to better regulate your affect of states
• develop the ability to extinguish fear
• “response flexibility” or the capacity to pause before you act
• more insight into yourself
• more empathy for others
• more morality
• access to intuition

More brain and meditaion

Rick Hanson, PhD and Rick Mendius, MD, bring insights and tools from the fields of psychology, neuroscience and Buddhism, in their talk on Neurology of Awakening that can be streamed or donwloaded from Audiodharma’s site and the slides can be obtained from the Wisebrain site.

Have YOU noticed any of those or other tangible effects of meditation?

Since my sitting practice recently has been somewhat rusty (understatement of the year) the  Trycycle Magazine 90-day Zen challenge comes at the right time.  I like that the”package” aside from sitting the actual sitting includes listening to the Dharma talks,  study Dogen’s Genjokoan and practising with other sitters.  The sitting itself is 20 min long (very reasonable to start with) and I see that a bunch of TreeLeafers have already signed up.

Since I bailed out on the Jukai ceremony, this would be a great way to recommit both to the practice of daily sitting and to the study of the precepts. I am in and begin February 21.  Anyone else? Tony?

When I just started working with coaching an acquaintance of mine, who’s been sitting zazen for quite a while, asked me how I was going to combine the practice and working as a coach.  The way he put it I had to actually bury my integrity in order to get into coaching. Whatever his perceptions of coaching might be, I had looked into it before I started working with coaching professionally.  What is it about? How does it help people? It also made me realise I had been doing it for quite a while for my friends as a hobby!

Then I looked inside. What is it that drives me? What do I have to offer people? Why should they come to me? (Those are really good questions for any professional to ask. Really, get it down on paper, just like that.)

Helping at least someone to connect to their authentic self and to learn to appreciate life as it is along with achieving the desired results as part of my work – it is just too good to be true! I see coaching as an expression of my bodhisattva vow in my every day life. It is a unique opportunity to work with people who actually are interested to get engaged in their lives and make  a change. It is never only about the results because in the process we inevitably have to look at our own perspectives and ideas of our selves and what we thought was possible, face our monsters and befriend them instead of sticking our heads in the sand.  I actually get to see people lighten up at the insight that it is possible to get a grip of the mind and choose a different path, get into new modes of thinking and allow themselves to live more authentic lives.

So no, I do not have to sell myself short in coaching just like in anything else in life. If  I don’t believe some technique would be useful for the client, I will never use it but that has nothing to do with spiritual practice and can be expected from any professional, I believe.

One aspect that I was not aware of when I started but that I begin noticing now is beautifully expressed in one of the books that gave my ideas world about art a good shaking – Peter London’s “No more secondhand art”:

“Engaging with others… not only enables our companions to move more assuredly towards their particular goals, but also enables us to get on with our own evolution. As we employ our recources to futher the growth of someone else, we become more beneficient, more epxressive and expansive. In the act of helping others we are transformed in the like manner.”

No doubt about it, this whole thing of starting an independent business is a huge learning experience, all of it. This part, thoguh, the one Peter writes about, when we touch others and become transformed “in the like manner”, how is this not Zen?

How do you touch people in your line of work? I’d love to know!

I actually had the honor of teaching abstruct art to the kids in a Nigerian school (a touch and fun challenge I had to swallow). Here I am preparing a lession with my colleague. Btw, posing for the pictures is a very Nigerian style so I had to be flexible with it.

Meriam-Webster has three senses listed for its entry on integrity:

1 : firm adherence to a code of especially moral or artistic values : incorruptibility

2 : an unimpaired condition : soundness

3 : the quality or state of being complete or undivided : completeness

The first sense of upholding and living by a code of standards is what the word brought to my mind in the past. In that sense, I see that failure is already set up because I have defined and given it being as a possibility. Failure is on the sidelines waiting to be invoked when I perceive myself as slipping or wavering. And. so with the second sense of “soundness”, “unimpaired”, “flawed” arises in my world. The third sense “completeness”, isn’t “lacking” intrinsic?  Perhaps, it is when I decide the terms of what it is to be complete.

The English word “integrity” itself is derived from the Latin word integer meaning “entire”.  As entirety, integrity is my world as it is. It is not dependant on my standards or values or anyone else’s. It is just “there” as I find it. In its entirety, it is just present; nothing lacking, nothing superfluous.

This integrity is shattered within my mind. My “self” is locked into division and confusion.  Its ultimate concern being its own preservation. Fear, want, dread, pleasure and pain taint everything causing distances to appear. Integrity is lost in the gaps and gulfs that separate “me” from “the others”.

If my self is the cause of this turmoil, then integrity has to be reclaimed in the self. Gaps and gulfs are perceived when my self is predisposed by fear and doubt into seeing threats and conflicts out there in the world. A fearful, uncertain self is something that the universe lacks. It is an ongoing ebbing and waning of motion. Without a divided self, there is nothing to discern beginnings and endings, desirable and undesirable, this and that.  The universe is filled, whole, and  lacks nothing in each moment.

So, integrity is not something that is missing in the world or my life. It is there waiting to be cleared of the clutter my doubting and fearful self has thrown on to it.  The work to be done lies in me to first clean myself of the defensive barriers against the enemies and threats that I myself have created. Then live in and move along with the freedom that integrity brings.

I have realsied I am surrounded by Buddhas even at home. They do not seem to be bothered about the meaning of life or obsess aboout the future but seem to be very much at peace with themselves and the world around. I have a lot to learn in this department.

Valuable and unexpected lessions I’ve learnt from the cats that have been kind enough to stay with me for over a decade:

There’s no need to answer the phone just because it’s ringing.

Stretch! It feels great and it does you good!

If you look great – admit it but don’t let it go into your head. Stay cool!

When you want something badly – make sure you get it. How far are you willing to go?

Sit a daily period of  zazen.  Don’t wobble!

Be patient.

Don’t forget to check in with yourself and ask: “Do I still want to be here or is it time to leave?”

I have yet another Buddha living with me.  The message is the same: shut up and sit!

Any Buddhas you want to mention?

Footprint of Buddha with Dharmacakra and Triratna, 1st century, Gandhāra.

Before he died, the Buddha instructed the sangha not to make images of him. In the Maha-parinibbana Sutta, he wanted each of his disciples to be “an island unto his or herself, as a refuge unto his or herself seeking no other refuges”. There were no portrayals of the Buddha in a human form in early Buddhism. But his presence was represented symbolical in pictures and sculptures by an empty throne, dharma wheels and footprints.

The stone-relief footprint motif, originating in India, spread throughout eastern Asia with Buddhism as stamps on the earth of the Buddha’s existence, his comings and goings, his path. Was the original message in these is that what is to be venerated is not the Buddha’s person, but the path that he had walked and marked for others to walk? Are they a form of invitation for ones to follow the same course and discover their own awakenings from within themselves?

Truth is what I had in the beginning. Growing up in the US Bible Belt, Truth was written and revealed by the prophets and apostles.  How the world began, why it seemed imperfect, why I was in it and what role I played; these questions were all provided with answers. Actually the answers were already provided before questions were even raised.  The world and everything it contained was set up and controlled by a God that was outside of the world and its imperfections looking on.

But with the coming of age, the questions arose. The answers from the Book then seemed quaint and simple. The world became slipery, hard to grasp. The world was activated by forces and drives coming from within and working through myriad, compounded things. In all this profusion, there didn’t seem a need for a creator; for the world was creation, destruction, birth , death all in an intertwined dance with its own music without a conductor. Within this confusion, there was no rock to cling to. Truth became provisional at best.

I explored other belief systems and ways of thinking under the assumption that there was a framework that imposed order in the world and more importantly in my life. I felt a growing separation between me and others even with family and close friends. We were living in the same world, but seeing it with different eyes. Truth was becoming truths. Words of others, even my own words, failed to seize reality just as the Word of God had earlier.

I came upon Buddhism during this search. My first impression of it was that it was saying that the world is suffering and, to escape it, we have to kill all attachments to it which I read as essentially killing our souls. Breaking from all emotions, positive and negative, and extinguishing ourselves in Nibbana. The Buddha became superhuman by killing the human within him and being enshrined in gold. He was the standard to live up to. A state of perfection to emulate and attain. Luckily, you had countless lifetimes to attain this perfection.  This had no appeal to me because, as with God, this was another figure to follow that was outside the world and all of its bewildering, unfathomable complexity.  Since it was outside, it could be ignored except as somthing to be excaped or saved from, just as before.

I had come to sense that the world (really life) and its confusion was the truth itself. It could not be tamed and it could not be escaped. It could only be lived.

When I revisited Buddhism in its Zen form, what I found was a path laid out by Guatama Buddha that was inside the world/life. A way to live it, not to escape or to tame it. The Answers to the Questions are that there are no Questions. We practice to accept (to be) our place in this unpredictable, unrepeatable dance of being/non-being. To be home with it following the meandering path that winds through it. Actualizing the Truth that is us.

That’s why, to me, the Buddha left empty footprints in the earth. They are there to guide each of us on the path that he took to his awakening to our own awakenings.

During the retreat we had an opportunity to have a personal interview (or even two) with the teacher – formal or informal style – to discuss the practice. The interviews lasted all from 5 minutes to over an hour. The formal interview included bowing to the teacher in gassho and three prostrations (gotai-tochi) upon entering and leaving the room. The student would then sit right in front of the teacher on the zafu, face to face.

Having considered the options – the promise of convenience of the informal interview and the risk of exposing my ego to suffering by doing yet another, new for me ceremony – I saw no other choice but go with the latter. After all, it is precisely by doing the things we have resistance to we become aware of our inhibitions and only then get a chance to work with them. Doing prostrations in complete silence, facing the teacher, slowly, made me feel very self-conscious. I could not help thinking of the cracking sound in my left knee every time I got up on my feet and of how clumsy I must have looked.

One… I heard the desperate buzz of a fly somewhere in the room:

“I heard a fly buzz when I died…”*

or maybe it was me who thought the fly desperate because of my own desperation?

Two…

Not that I minded looking clumsy I told myself, I just wanted to offer the teacher the best prostration I could (who could blame me for that?) – more solemn, more soundless, more elegant and graceful than the jokes of prostrations I was doing.

Three… At last!

“It was not death, for I stood up…”*

The next time I went for the interview, instead of pacing the porch while waiting for my turn I started practising prostrations right there on the veranda, offering them to the pines. There was no way around the cracking in the knees unless I was ready to prostrate with streight legs, that is falling forward. Keeping the balance when getting up and making it look as natural as possible kept me busy for a while. When I finally landed on the cusion in front of Reb, flushed and self-conscious, my heart somewhere in the throat, I met his gentle smile and receiving eyes and stayed there for a while, feeling. Suddenly I knew he did not care for my elegant prostrations but would be perfectly content with whatever prostrations I could wholeheartedly offer.

I also wondered how a person in Reb’s position could sympathise with someone obviously suffering for whatever reason (in my case it was me having the idea of what a perfect prostration should be like) and still do not suffer for them, do not make it into his own suffering or embarrassment. I knew he kept seeing the people day after day and for many it was like seeing a therapist – people went to see him with all sorts of problems they felt the need to share with someone. How could one get so close to people and not burn out, losing himself in all this? The answer to the question was the cornerstone of Reb’s teaching thoughout the week: it was all about giving himself to himself and it has nothing to do with our wordly idea of being selfish.

Giving my self to myself

What is it all about then? The idea is hard to grasp intellectually if one is unacquainted with the notion of self in the Buddhist context. Understanding there is no solid self and what I perceive as a self is nothing more than a collection of the aggregates (necessary for us to function in every day life) I realise my self in each and every moment. Just being my self does not leave place for anything else. (Reb’s teacher Suzuki Roshi called that burning oneself out in every activity, with no traces left in his wonderful book “Zen Mind, Beginner’s Mind”).

To demonstrate the point Reb used an example from his personal life when his grandchild had wanted Reb to play with him. Reb, who was tired at the moment, said no and explained why. The child persisted and asked again and once again Reb said no. When the child asked for the third time he then felt he was no longer tired and agreed to play with the child. Reb gave his grandchild his tired grandfather a few times but first he had allowed himself to be the tired self that he was at the moment. By doing that, just being himself instead of trying to be someone else – the energetic granddad? the tired- but-ready-to-forget-about-it-for-his-grandchild granddad? – he first of all was honest with himself and the child and secondly, had the opportunity to rest. I wondered of course if the child had sensed that three different granddads gave answers, one at a time, even though there was the same person standing in front of him. (It doesn’t mean of course we have to understand it by way of reason to realise it: children seem to be very generous at giving themselves to themselves and to others yet they never think of it. They know how to be.)

It is important to first of all give myself to myself before giving oneself to others. If I give myself to my partner before I give myself to myself I will be giving not my self but what he ask me for (or what I think he expects of me) and sooner or later start hating the person who keeps getting the self that is not my true self in the moment. I will then wonder who it is he wants. It also means that I have to recognise and accept myself in the moment: cry when I cry (give my tears to my tears), with all my heart but without constructing stories; to be angry when I am angry without taking it into the next meoment, etc.

In the same way I can give others to others and accept my friend’s tears. It is easier to start comforting my friend and ask her not to cry because that would inconvenience me, too (people get uncomfrotable around crying people). Yet if I accept her tears and just let her cry on my shoulder, chances are this is all the person needs in the moment and in the next moment she might feel different.

This is the most difficult practice of them all. It asks of me to stay tuned with the self in the moment and to accept it so it can “overwrite” the preprogrammed ideas of myself I might have (“I don’t do that!”, “I am not that kind of person”, “I wouldn’t do that”, etc.). Being true to my self might not make me popular (as Reb probably was not his grandchild’s favourate granddad when he was honest with the child) with my partner or others but from my experience so far it is extremely liberating. I no longer have to be some other version of my self constrained by my dreams, other’s expectations – all I have to do is… just be!

I now see how being my self is connected with our practice of shikantaza, or just sitting: in zazen, we just sit, and being my self I am doing just that, dropping all ideas of the self I could or should be.

*Emily Dickinson

May all beings be happy, healthy and free from suffering!

At the risk of discriminating all other activities on the schedule zazen including, Dharma talk was one of my favourites. This is when Reb was sharing his teaching and understanding of the dharma, when we could ask questions and the only time of the day when we actually could hear people talk and therefore get a clue as to what others were feeling or thinking.

Although Reb’s vocabulary was quite down to earth it was hard to understand what exactly he meant by those words. On the very first day for example he talked to us about the significance of ceremonies. For Westerners ceremonies are often associated with religion and something stiff and devoid of meaning. It took me a while to understand Reb’s message: a) our every day life is full of ceremonies that we perform without even realising it and b) we don’t need ceremonies for the sake of ceremonies but we need them because we cannot fully comprehend reality and we only realise it by performing ceremonies.

To be frank, it made very little sense to me when I first heard it but there was continuity to Reb’s talks throughout the week and little by little it I started getting it. When I was thanking my window cleaning partners bringing the palms together in gassho I became aware of the fact that I was thanking them. Without doing that – the act, the very ceremony of thanking – I would not be aware of that. It was harder to understand that I would be thanking them even if I did not formally thank them.

Reb encouraged questions but referring to the old tradition of addressing the teacher directly in front of the group by the end of every Dharma talk he placed a mat with a zafu right in front of him so the person who wished to ask a question would have to walk through the room, bow in gassho (bringing the palms and fingers of both hands together), and sit on the cushion right in front of him but with the back to the group. Alternatively, one could place the cushion next to Reb, facing the group. As I understood, Reb made us to perform the ceremony of asking the question so we would become aware of that we were doing, of our feelings and wanted us to learn to relax with those feelings. Asking questions from one’s seat is a usual in the West form but this simple ceremony made me think before opening the mouth and practice the art of right speech on the spot: was that which I was about to say helpful, kind, honest, timely?

I admired the courage of those who walked through the room to meet Reb, thus accepting to be with the doubts and the discomfort of speaking in front of the group and facing the teacher, who was sitting in the center, smiling, waiting patiently. Some people would sit with Reb for a while in silence, bow in gassho and then return to the seat. It occured to me that although only one person at a time went to sit with Reb each and every one of us had to sit with our feelings as a response to what that other person was saying or doing. In a way we were all involved and had to deal with our reactions. As to what exactly was happening – without going into details about what we witnessed and went through together as a group – even more advanced practitioners had to drop their ideas of what would be “allowed” in a zendo. Every time Reb sensed what was needed for the moment and would go along with it. Yet I never had the feeling he “lost it”, that he was at a loss as to how to handle a tricky or sensitive situation. (What made me think of a certain situation as sensitive if not my own ideas of it?)

Reb addressed each and every person differently but always with patience and a smile, from the place of giving. That was how I perceived it but later I realised that not everyone equally appreciated his way of talking to people.

A few times I heard Reb say that “he used to do so” (e. g. tell people what to do) or “teach that” but he doesn’t do it any longer. It struck me then that teachers too grow and develop, despite our preconceived ideas of what a Zen master/roshi could or even should be like. We all of us were learning, even our roshi.

By the way (hope this does not reach his very special ears), Reb reminded me of Yoda, the Jedi master (yes, the fictional character from the Star Wars movies), at an older age, when Yoda did not need his sword any longer. Reb too gave impression of a fearless person despite his not very impressive size.

The teacher was very easy on us with the Zen ceremonies which I in a way was looking for. On the other side, I guess other ceremonies outside the zendo were as good: the ceremony of silently greeting a person on the path, the ceremony of doing the dishes or cleaning the windows. We did get loose on the very last day though and to my greatest joy chanted a few chants including my favourate Prajna Paramita (Heart of Great Wisdom Sutra) to the beat on the funny looking wooden figure of a Japanese fish the name and the story of which I still don’t know.

May all beings be happy, healthy and free from suffering!

In the evening of the last full day of the retreat Reb came into the zendo after the final round of interviews about 15 min before the signal of the gong, the way he used to do every evening so we could finish the day together and he would say the Thank-you-for-today (Tack för idag!) in Swedish before walking out of the room. It was getting darker and the soft blanket of silence was covering the room. There was a special, bitter-sweet taste to that last sitting and I wondered if others felt that too.

Only a few minutes before the awaited signal of the gong, a soft voice from somewhere in the center of the room started a slow song, gently cutting through the drowsiness, tenderly tapping on the the tiredness, softening the stiffness in the bodies, caressing the air and the vowels, filling in the space, growing:

Summertime
And the living is easy
Fish are jumping
The cotton is high
Oh your daddy’s rich
Your mama’s good looking
I said hush little baby
Don’t you cry

One of these mornings
You’re bound to rise up singing
Then you’ll spread your wings
And take to the sky
But til that morning
Nothing’s going to harm you no
With daddy and mama standing by

When the strike touched the gong and the sound started its trip around the bowl allowing us to stretch the legs and breath out the tension of the last sitting, warm laughter filled the zendo.

What a perfect ending of the day and of the week! Thank you for the gift, Reb!

May all beings be happy, healthy and free from suffering!

]]> http://appropriateresponse.wordpress.com/2008/07/28/zen-reatreat-4-easy-living-with-reb/feed/ 2 understandingcat http://appropriateresponse.wordpress.com/2008/07/18/zen-reatreat-2-pain-here-i-are/ http://appropriateresponse.wordpress.com/2008/07/18/zen-reatreat-2-pain-here-i-are/#comments Fri, 18 Jul 2008 17:59:18 +0000 understandingcat http://appropriateresponse.wordpress.com/?p=290 ]]>

“…In an appropriate place for sitting, set out a thick mat and put a round cushion on top of it. Sit either in the full or half-lotus posture. Loosen the robes and arrange them in an orderly way. Then place the right hand palm up on the left foot, and the left hand on the right hand, lightly touching the ends of the thumbs together…

…Now sit steadfastly and think not-thinking. How do you think not-thinking? Beyond thinking. This is the essential art of zazen…”

Dogen (1200-1253)
- taken from Enlightenment Unfolds: The Essential Teachings of Zen Master
Dogen, Kazuaki Tanahashi (1999)

In this highly appropriate place, in suitable silence that included hummering of the busy insects, swooshing of the sea waves and the wind and the soft tap of the afternoon rain on the veranda floor, I was trying to not try too hard to think non-thinking. When it was not hurting that is and hurting it was most of the time. Every period of zazen brought with it yet another constellation of painful sensations in different parts of the body. Experimenting with the posture and the amount of the support on the cushion from one zazen period to another made it somewhat easier but pain was always there, although in different shape and to “sit with it”, to not fight it and what’s more to welcome it was the task that seemed impossible to compelete for someone who was seeing flashes of light because of the sensations in some parts of the body.

In one of the books on Zen I read that where there is physical resistance, there is spiritual resistance. Judging by the amount and intensity of pain I had the first few days I will be ready to join any resistance movement soon. I guess I just need to soften the focus and see what happens but sitting at home 30 to 60 min a day does not have the same potential as to revealing the areas of resistance.

I came up with the solution of dealing with one pain demon at a time: ten inhalations and exhalations into one knee, ten into one hip and so on. By the end of the second day I was certain I had more knees than I knew of and wondered how I had not noticed this before.

On day three it got more lively in the zendo as I started discerning the stifled sounds of sobbing. I suspected the physical pain was not the main reason why some people got emotional and found the courage and confidence to let it out. For once I wished I could cry when there actually was a good reason for it but tears did not come. Pain did. Once again, I tried to accept it and sit with it, allowing the mind to explore it without engaging into the story telling and although I did not cry I did consider screaming on the top of my lungs in hope they would kick me out of the zendo but something always stopped me. I was surrounded by the silent support group and was sharing the sitting with over 40 other people and with all sentient beings In the end. In the end, the perspective of feeling needles droven into your knees suddenly seemed more attractive. I thought I would remember that sensation of a shared sitting when sitting at home alone.

At one point all my pain demons decided to have a joined party and it felt as if the body caught on fire. So all consuming it was that with whatever remained of my clear thinking ability I decided to shock and cool it off by planging it into the Baltic Sea, something I never would do of my own free will under usual circumstances, convinced that this prevelge was reserved for the brave and less temperature censitive decendents of the Vikings. It was extremely liberating to let go of the old mind sets and ideas of my self in practice, to do what Reb called “giving myself to myself”.

Dropping Away Body and Mind

“From the first time you meet a master, without engaging in insence offering, bowing, chanting Buddha’s name, repentence, or reading scripures, you should just wholeheartedly sit, and thus drop away body and mind…” (Self-receiving and enacting awareness).

I was wondering what exactly those words – “drop away body and mind” – meant and how this dropping would manifest itself. At some point on day five I heard the birds singing inside me and for a moment got surprised because I knew they were singing outside. Then I heard the wind go through the trees. Inside me. All of a sudden I was large enough to include it all but there was no sense of joy or any pleasant sensations. Rather a feeling of serenity and freedom and the overall idea that it was the way things are supposed to be.

In the end of the day I wondered if dropping the body was happening by itself when one gave up all resistance to the physical sensations of pain and dropping away of the mind followed after. After all, the two are intertwined. I came to the insight that ahtever I was doing was not helpful relieving the pain and noticing it or working against it required the energy and efforts from the same body. In the end, the body itsel seemed to have settled into the new state, that of discomfort and pain and by the end of the retreat starting softening up and relaxing into the pose.

The mind at this point was more like a forgotten TV early in the morning, with that white noise on the screen but no particular picture. Can it be that it got tired of itself? Entertaining itself for days in a row with the imaginative potential of a whole entertainment industry, it simply started giving up on broadcasting the old favourates and the new were not programmed yet I guess. Although, to be candid, this Mind TV of mine impressed me: it offred a wide choice of the entertainment starting with the heartbreaking scene of Brad and Jenniffer’s separation (???) to the ideas of the special pants for meditators with the soft padding for the knees and other parts of the body to relieve the strain of continous sitting to the phylosophical insights about the inability of a little creature to see a larger perspective and going in circles in hope to find the way out of suffering as I was watching a little creep going in circles in front of me, not knowing where the exit door was.

May all beings be happy, healthy and free from suffering!

(to be continued)

]]> http://appropriateresponse.wordpress.com/2008/07/18/zen-reatreat-2-pain-here-i-are/feed/ 4 understandingcat http://appropriateresponse.wordpress.com/2008/07/18/zen-retreat-1-almost-picnic-on-the-rocks/ http://appropriateresponse.wordpress.com/2008/07/18/zen-retreat-1-almost-picnic-on-the-rocks/#comments Fri, 18 Jul 2008 16:19:41 +0000 understandingcat http://appropriateresponse.wordpress.com/?p=253 ]]>

Unquestionably, there are more subtle and less exotic ways of sending one’s body and mind into a frenzy of pain and confusion known to the humans of today but at that moment it felt as the right thing to do: going on a sesshin once or twice a year is recommended for lay people and it was time for me to have the first hand experience. I was curious and nervous about the whole thing, excited about meeting a renowned Zen master and my co-meditators, wondered how the sesshin would influence my practice. The prospect of experiencing quite a bit of pain and sharing living and silence with a bunch of strangers for about a week on the island nobody seemed to be able to locate on the map did not scare me probably because I simply did not know what it would actually feel like.

Compared to a monastery sesshin where the first period of zazen could start at 4 am ours might seem like a picnic, at least to those who do not know the joys of sitting still 6 hours a day. We had the privilege of relatively late mornings and early evenings, shorter periods of zazen, plenty of delicious and nutricious food, a long lunch opening for the possibility of a short siesta and even some time for exercise in the preferred way (including the favorates: standing straight and still on one of the paths and staring into the space or sitting in a soft sofa in the common space in the villa up the hill, a cup of warm Yogi tea with some honey in hands, staring into the space).

Still I would be careful labeling it as a relaxing experience although some participants with no prior interest in Buddhism or Zen had relaxation as the primary goal for the retreat. I wonder if they got there, to the sweet land.

My day started at 5.15 with a morning yoga sequence to awaken the body stiff as a stick and to get the sensation of having limbs that I knew I would soon loose on the cushion to the limbs-falling-asleep-and-off syndrome, out on the veranda overlooking the rocks and pines and opening toward the sea. Those were pure moments of bliss.

Window Cleaning Yoga

They say that even if you go as far as the Stockholm archipelago karma will find you. This past spring I was certain about not engaging in window cleaning activity in the apartment. I was therefore not very surprised upon hearing on the first day that of all the available on the island chores together with other two women I was assigned to cleaning windows on the ground floor in the house I lived in. One of the few permanent residents on the island taking care of the paradise equipped us with everything a conscientious window cleaner might wish for and advised us to take it slow. The three of us worked at full speed though (with the adjustment implied by the term “working meditation”) and yet on the last day of our stay there one other hard working and methodical colleague meditator could not help breaking the silence and asked me gently if all this time we had been cleaning the same windows. I must admit that under the circumstances it sounded as a praise.

They say we can always improve and take to the next level whatever boring chore we have at hand. Never did I suspect that cleaning windows, especially French windows could turn into the feast for muscles that I could reclaim bit by bit, by gently and consciously

stretching and

pushing and pulling and

spraying and rubbing and

breath-

ing and smiling and

stretching.

Approaching the doors in the ways and at the angles they never had witnessed before I was exercising window cleaning yoga, inventing and embodying new variations of the asanas I knew and celebrating the moment of gentle window cleaning. As the reatreat advanced, the muscles got stiffer and stiffer and more and more grateful for every spot to be pulled toward, the mind became more and more settled on the at first unsettling sound of a shiet of old newspaper rubbed against the glass and the sound of the wind going through the tops of the trees and the subtle sensation of gently being cleaned by the windows, the sea, the trees and the rocks.

I do this chore
not just to get
it out of the way,
but as the way
to make real
kind connected mind

(Ed Brown, from the poem “Working on how I work”)

At this point I seriously consider to try those window cleaning asanas here, in the urban environment, in my own space.

May all beings be happy, healthy and free from suffering!

(to be continued)

]]> http://appropriateresponse.wordpress.com/2008/07/18/zen-retreat-1-almost-picnic-on-the-rocks/feed/ 0 understandingcat http://appropriateresponse.wordpress.com/2008/07/06/gone-fishing-on-a-zen-retreat/ http://appropriateresponse.wordpress.com/2008/07/06/gone-fishing-on-a-zen-retreat/#comments Sun, 06 Jul 2008 20:40:20 +0000 understandingcat http://appropriateresponse.wordpress.com/?p=241 ]]>

Since I am not going to Green Gulch at the moment, Green Gulch seems to be coming to me (by way of the following invitation). So I am going on my first Zen sesshin and help me all Buddhas and Ancestors.

Zen Retreat

July 7 to 13, 2008

Teachings by Tenshin Reb Anderson, Roshi

On Idöborg in Stockholm’s archipelago, Sweden

Come and enjoy Reb Anderson’s teachings in this exceptional setting. A small island in Stockholm’s archipelago in the Baltic sea, Idöborg makes a supporting environment for stillness and inquiry during this warm, silent and intimate retreat.

Entering, Embodying, and Enacting Truth and Justice

Unconstructed silence and stillness is the source of truth and justice. This meditation retreat offers a way of entering and realizing this source, and then emerging and embodying it in our troubled world.

The retreat will include sitting, standing and walking in stillness, teachings on this way of meditation, and group discussion. There will also be the opportunity for the individual interviews with the teacher.

REB ANDERSON, Tenshin Roshi is a lineage-holder in the Soto Zen tradition. Born in Mississipi, he grew up in Minnesota and left advanced study in mathematics and Western psychology to come to Zen Center in 1967. He practiced with Suzuki Roshi, who ordained him as a priest in 1970 and gave him the name Tenshin Zenki (“Naturally Real, The Whole Works”). He received dharma transmission in 1983 and served as abbot of San Francisco Zen Center’s three training centers (City Center, Green Gulch Farm and Tassajara Zen Mountain Center) from 1986 to 1995. Tenshin Roshi continues to teach at Zen Center, living with his family at Green Gulch Farm. He is author of “Warm Smiles from Cold Mountains: Dharma Talks on Zen Meditation” and “Being Upright: Zen Meditation and the Bodhisattva Precepts”.